This past summer I was at the downtown Vancouver waterfront wearing my newborn baby in the ergo and watching my toddler run and splash in the water. There was so much joy and peace in this moment yet I had this enormous sense of loneliness. How could I be lonely when I was having such a great time hanging out with my kids? I thought maybe I was feeling this way because I had moved to a new state and didn’t have many friends but over time and through many conversations, I have come to a new understanding of loneliness.
I realized that it didn’t matter that I had just moved. I’ve talked to a few friends back in California and found out that they feel the same way I do and yet they live close to their friends and family. There are so many areas in life that cause us to feel lonely. Stay-at-home moms can feel lonely because most of their days are spent with their kids and they crave adult conversation. Or if you have a husband that works a lot. Or you live alone. Maybe you struggle to get connected or make new friends. And then there’s a whole other realm of loneliness if you are single. If you feel any of these things. I want you to know, you are normal and it’s okay. Life changes. Family and friends move away, you get a new job, you get married or have a kid and that can change your friend group or how you spend your free time. Or there are also seasons of life where you say yes to everything and then get burned out and then have to spend the next season withdrawing to recuperate. Whatever your situation is, you probably have experienced some time of loneliness whether it is brought on by natural life changes or caused by your own choices. Loneliness is a state of mind or feeling of sadness that you have no friends or company. We can have this feeling even with lots of people around us or our best friends living just a block away.
So the important question is, how do we manage this feeling or stifle it the moment it comes?
First and foremost. Let God fill that void. DAILY, HOURLY, SECONDLY (we’re just going to pretend that secondly means every second so it can flow with the others. Just go with it)
"You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water."
Psalm 63:1
Spend time at the feet of Jesus, reading His Word to learn who He is and what He came to do, and then pray and praise Him for those attributes. Be filled with gratitude for what He has done for you and spend your days worshiping Him through the way you live.
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:31
Secondly, stop and look around. Everyone is just trying to survive and maybe the person sitting right next to you is struggling with loneliness and just needs a smile or to feel seen by someone.
Sadly, we are all too busy living in our own world. Let me explain. We are naturally selfish beings being run by our sinful nature. We as Americans live in a very individualistic culture. Everything around us is focused on me me me. What about me? What about my needs? How can I get to the top? What do I need to do to make more money, heal this sickness, fix my friends, etc.
I recently realized that when I first moved up here and was so eager to meet new people. Everywhere I went with my kids, I was looking around like a kid in a candy store or a puppy wagging his tail wishing someone would play with him. I just smiled and said “Hi” and tried to strike up a conversation with anyone nearby who would talk to me. And I actually have met a few friends because of this. But now that I have made a few new friends I am not as eager. For example, I was meeting a friend at a playgroup at our community center the other day and I got there before her and instead of talking to other people, I just kind of stuck to myself, followed Zion around, and waited for my friend to get there. I was so convicted later! For someone who wanted, or rather needed friendship so badly, I’m sad to admit I have started to get comfortable in my own new little bubble.
One culprit that I feel contributes to this is our phones. I was at the library one day and as I looked around so many of the adults were sitting or walking around following their kid while on their phone. Now don’t get me wrong, probably 100 different times while I was there I had the urge to go on my phone. As mothers we don’t get much downtime to reply to people, do work tasks, add something to the grocery list, or even Google a question we had earlier that morning. But it made me so sad to see all these parents on their phones rather than engaging with their kids or the other adults around them.
Now one question that arises: What if your kid is playing contently by themselves and you don’t want to engage or disrupt that independent play? I love independent play especially when kids are using their imaginations. However, what I don’t like imagining is your son or daughter turning around to look at you with the most excited happy face of what they just accomplished or saw and you’re looking down at your phone not paying attention to them. Depending on your child’s age, they may interrupt you and still get your attention but eventually, as your child gets older and this keeps happening, they’re gonna give up striving for your attention and grow up remembering that other things were more important to you than them. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion just a little but I want it to sink in for all of us. But it’s not just with our kids. We can also miss out on the people we interact with every day. As I said above, we are naturally selfish and think about our needs before we think about others. Our phones are just an added distraction from engaging with others around us. But Jesus calls us to be the light in this dark world.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”
Matthew 5:14-16
If we are constantly focused on ourselves or our inner circle, we forget to interact with the world around us. Life is tough and we are all very busy but what kind of witness are we if we are so distracted by our to-do lists and everything else on our phones?
So I encourage you to be the light that this world needs. When you're walking from your car to the store, through the halls at work or school, or around your neighborhood with your kids, look around. Smile at everyone you pass by, and if they stop to talk stop and have a conversation with them. You never know who God will bring into your path.
Lastly, let’s all commit to spending more time in prayer. Praying that we put Christ first in our lives to take away any feelings of loneliness. Pray that we would be the salt and light that the people around us need. And simply pray that God would continually transform us into His image.
“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever…Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.”
Psalm 107:1, 8-9
May God bless you as you seek to glorify Him more and love the people around you with only a love that comes from the Lord.
Jess T.
Prayer Request
That our lives would bring glory and honor to the name of Jesus
That I would never get too comfortable and I would always be open to the people that God brings into my path
That I would spend less time on my phone and more time engaging with my children, husband, and others around me
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